he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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