I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
someone owes me an orgasm
I wish life had little blips of pornography
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
