All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
