Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
