I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
