I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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