i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
