So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My dick has a subreddit
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
