Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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