why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
