were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
