I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm at about main and main street
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
