She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
