There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
