My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I faked an abortion last night.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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