you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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