I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
