At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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