I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
