i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
