Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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