This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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