He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
