this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
