Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We are all done wearing pants today
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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