So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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