Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
