He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
