dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
