im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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