i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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