I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
tell me about the eggs
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
