they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
