your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My vagina just recognized that song.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
