His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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