I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
