I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
is wine microwaveable?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
