i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
