You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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