shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
