Screwed.edu
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
