he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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