why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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