The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
