spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
