I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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