So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
