so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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