imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
