The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
