The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
