her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I had to cum in my sink.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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